A happy cynics take on the world

The Toronto Police Safety Guide

**Disclaimer** (this is a piece of Satire, and in no way affiliated with the actual Toronto Police Service. I would also like to add a Trigger Warning for discussion on Sexual Assault/Rape/Domestic Violence)

Looking around our fair city, it saddens us to see the number of avoidable crimes committed each day. In an effort to help the public, we have come up with a simplified Safety Guide, that should help keep our streets safe.

First, one must understand that no one WANTS to commit crimes, all crimes are just terrible accidents in which both involved parties share responsibility equally.

To that end, the easiest way to stay safe is to realize that what YOU wear, is really asking for crimes. First up, our Top 10, “What NOT to Wear” List:

  1. Vehicular Manslaughter/Assualt — Pedestrians,  Be sure to not wear Dark Colours, anyone in a Dark Colour after the sun goes down is just ASKING to be hit by a car. (Exception** police in uniform. you hit one of us, we’re still putting you down for Murder 1)
  2. Rape/Sexual Assault — Women, Be sure not to wear bright colours that can attract unwanted attention. Also avoid short skirts, long skirts, tight jeans, loose jeans, baggy shirts, tight shirts, dresses, boots, shoes, socks, tights, and Jewelry. (Exception** None.)
  3. Harassment/Stalking — See above.
  4. Burglary/Home Invasion – Don’t wear pajamas, blankets, or anything that looks like you’re prepared to go to bed. (This includes being nude)
  5. Domestic Violence — Avoid wearing clothing that looks like you are getting ready to leave, or potentially going to meet someone. Also — Avoid wedding rings, being married is a HUGE risk raiser.
  6. Fraud — Avoid clothing that makes you appear elderly, as that raises your risk. No pants above the navel, or flower print shirts. Avoid being bald, or having grey/white hair.
  7. Murder — Do not, under any circumstances wear anything that is gang colours, as you might be gunned down by accident (partial list found here), also nothing try not to appear alive, as most murders are committed against currently living people.
  8. Being Drugged — Don’t wear anything you would wear if going to a bar. Looking like you’re wanting to ingest alcohol is just asking to ingest other drugs.
  9. Armed Robbery — Don’t wear anything nice. Whatever you do, don’t appear to have money, credit, or even the ability to afford non-ripped clothing.
  10. Theft — don’t wear nice accessories  like I-pods, cell phones, purses, wallets, watches, or keys, as these things show you have things worth stealing.

Now that you know what NOT to wear, we here at the Toronto Police Service feel we’ve only done half our job. Next, you’ll find our list of what to wear.

  1. Vehicular Manslaughter/Assualt — Pedestrians: Bright Clothing. Don’t count on things like “street lights” or drivers “paying attention” to keep you safe.
  2. Rape/Sexual Assault — Women, Might we suggest This
  3. Harassment/Stalking — See above.
  4. Burglary/Home Invasion – Sleep in you’re normal daily attire. That way, no one will know if you’re about to be up and about at any moment
  5. Domestic Violence — Again, we have to go with the Medieval Armour. Nothing says “don’t hit me” like 14 guage steel.
  6. Fraud — Be sure and look young and poor. Like This Fellow (On the Left).
  7. Murder — Go everywhere dressed like a zombie. or better yet, try and make yourself ethereal.. no one shoots ghosts.
  8. Being Drugged — Try and appear already on drugs… But not near police.
  9. Armed Robbery — Head down to Lakeshore under the Gardiner Expressway. Take fashion tips from homeless.
  10. Theft — see #9

There. Crime in this city is solved. No more worries about cuts. we can all retire.

Now, where’s my gold watch?

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