In a rather stunning turn of events, the christian lord and saviour, Jesus Christ, has not only returned, but is seeking the republican nomination for the white house. After nearly 2000 years, Mr. Christ says the timing for his return could not be better.
“I really feel like I’m needed now. And here more than anywhere. Every day, the constant prayers “Jesus, anyone but Romney” and “Jesus, please don’t make us vote for Romney”… I couldn’t take it anymore. I looked at the field, and said Fuck it, I can win this bitch. And came on back.”
At his first political fundraiser, Jesus sold Loaves and Fishes for $500 a plate, as well as made everyones drinkings in Sparkling Wine. His style also appears to have changed. Gone are the long hair, beard, and trademark robe. Instead, Jesus, or Jessie has his closest friends call him, prefers to keep his hair short, clean shaven, and wear polo shirts. When asked about his new style, Jesus responded “well, I would have shaved then, but do you know how unwieldy a sword is?” and joked about the robes being a “desert people” thing.
Despite his popularity with the common man, Jesus has not been above the attack adds and mud slinging common in Washington these days. His opponents have slammed him repeatedly for saying things like “The meek shall inherit the earth” and that it “is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than a rich man to get into heaven”…
“Mr. Christ has a long history of attacking the job creators, first the money lenders, then the Pharises. What will he do to businesses in america? For that matter, we are still waiting to see his long form birth certificate! According to my sources he was born in BETHLEHEM, Israel, not this “Judea” place people keep claiming he’s from” Said one angry rick Santorum supporter.
In response to these claims, Jesus said he would be happy to release his Long Form Birth Certificate once elected, and that those statements and actions shouldn’t matter. “It was a long time ago, I was a different guy back then. I hadnt even died yet”
When approached for comment, John Huntsman Jr. expressed his concern that Jesus’ father would exert his influence to try and manipulate the outcome of the election.
Despite all this, Jesus is still polling well for the republicans, and can be expected to carry everything from the biblebelt south, with the possible exceptions of Democrat stronghold California, and Nevada, where is anti-money lender policies has really hurt his numbers.
Both Mitt Romney, and Rick Santorum have dropped out of the race, to leave Jesus running virtually unopposed.
Newt Gingrich has vowed to stay in and fight until the “bitter end”, to which Jesus laughed and said “that might be sooner than you think.”
When asked what he thought his greatest challenge would be, Jesus smiled, and said “Finding 12 wise men in washington”